I'm finding this whole thing to be a bit harder than I anticipated. My thoughts are all over the place. I can't seem to un-focus OR focus... Day 1 was great. I did a sort of quickie yoga session that night. The next day I did a session at night again at TreeTop and THAT was fantastic. I was able to focus with no other distractions in the room. I felt solid, grounded, clear. The color red kept popping up in my mind. Skipped Saturday (Day 3) to go to Jacksonville to visit a friend from grad school. Sunday night I did another very short scatterbrained session. This morning, day 5. Was meditation only. And even that was short and scattered.
Non-judgment. Patience. Please.
15.8.11
12.8.11
Day 1: August 12, 2011
Day 1 of my 30 days of yoga and no coffee. Starting off a bit slow. Poor posture here at this computer desk. Fiddling around a bit much on the interwebs. I'll write about (and probably discover some new) reasons why I am starting this journey some other time. For now. It's time to get on the mat. <3 Blessings.
25.1.08
an eternal journey for 5 minutes.
i'm a fake and any second someone is going to figure that out. some might have already.
quick, hide.
i'm myself but not really. self-ish if you will. there i said it.
stop.
time to re-evaluate. i am but not. either i'm clinging to straws or i'm in the darkest part of night before a few more degrees of rotation. hopefully the latter. i care about people because nice people care about people. i care about starving kids because that's what a humanitarian does and humanitarians are wonderful. i practice yoga because people who say they do yoga are.... trendy (please forgive the overuse of this word lately) and i meditate because spiritual people have that sexy mysterious peace about them. i've got a bubbly personality because people enjoy being around bubbly people and i like when people enjoy being around me. i respect other peoples' opinions because people who do so are very respectable themselves and i want to be a respectable person. i'm in the healthcare field because people that want to help others are good people. is that who i am? if that's who i am, then who am i?
what the fuuuuuhhhh????
have i chosen my sports because i really like them or because people who choose those sports are cool for being radical. why did i choose my major. why am i wearing white underwear. why is my apartment so damn big. why don't i always do what i say i will do. why does a ratio of stiletto heels and pearls : hippie helmets and dirty feet even exist in my life at all. i'm not going to let my nightmares about growing up come true. they won't win me over.
you are not my father.
my name isn't even luke.
my eyes are closed.
a deep breath. mmmm yeahhh.... i remember now. my name is shakti, and i do care. i am the force behind caring and genuine concern. because i am a child with a swollen belly. i am an old woman on a ventilator staring out of her room into the hallway. i am the truck driver who hits someone on a bicycle and drives away. i am the tree. i am the wind. i'm a human and what an amazing journey this has been. i care about others because i am Self/ God/ Divinity/ the Universe. i care about others, i am aware, and i am grateful.
quick, hide.
i'm myself but not really. self-ish if you will. there i said it.
stop.
time to re-evaluate. i am but not. either i'm clinging to straws or i'm in the darkest part of night before a few more degrees of rotation. hopefully the latter. i care about people because nice people care about people. i care about starving kids because that's what a humanitarian does and humanitarians are wonderful. i practice yoga because people who say they do yoga are.... trendy (please forgive the overuse of this word lately) and i meditate because spiritual people have that sexy mysterious peace about them. i've got a bubbly personality because people enjoy being around bubbly people and i like when people enjoy being around me. i respect other peoples' opinions because people who do so are very respectable themselves and i want to be a respectable person. i'm in the healthcare field because people that want to help others are good people. is that who i am? if that's who i am, then who am i?
what the fuuuuuhhhh????
have i chosen my sports because i really like them or because people who choose those sports are cool for being radical. why did i choose my major. why am i wearing white underwear. why is my apartment so damn big. why don't i always do what i say i will do. why does a ratio of stiletto heels and pearls : hippie helmets and dirty feet even exist in my life at all. i'm not going to let my nightmares about growing up come true. they won't win me over.
you are not my father.
my name isn't even luke.
my eyes are closed.
a deep breath. mmmm yeahhh.... i remember now. my name is shakti, and i do care. i am the force behind caring and genuine concern. because i am a child with a swollen belly. i am an old woman on a ventilator staring out of her room into the hallway. i am the truck driver who hits someone on a bicycle and drives away. i am the tree. i am the wind. i'm a human and what an amazing journey this has been. i care about others because i am Self/ God/ Divinity/ the Universe. i care about others, i am aware, and i am grateful.
20.1.08
1.1.08
static dynamics
He peeked in from above at his test subjects.
He saw them sitting there, staring at the box, all of them silent.
Every once in a while one would laugh.
Then the other after a few minutes.
Remarkable. What are they looking at? What is it?
How can they look at the one thing for so long without movement?
Why aren't their mouths moving? Why aren't they mingling with each other?
Do they know that they are there with each other?
Are they ignoring each other?
She had been looking forward to this for weeks.
She had been looking forward to this for weeks?
Leave the room, she thought. Be alone. Get something done. Life is short.
They were each already alone anyways.
No, stare with them, she thought. At least she would be alone with them. Life is short.
They were each already alone anyways.
How long can they sit like that just staring, doing nothing?
This isn't natural. Are they alive? Is something wrong?
What if we shook their house up a bit. Would they move then?
He saw them sitting there, staring at the box, all of them silent.
Every once in a while one would laugh.
Then the other after a few minutes.
Remarkable. What are they looking at? What is it?
How can they look at the one thing for so long without movement?
Why aren't their mouths moving? Why aren't they mingling with each other?
Do they know that they are there with each other?
Are they ignoring each other?
She had been looking forward to this for weeks.
She had been looking forward to this for weeks?
Leave the room, she thought. Be alone. Get something done. Life is short.
They were each already alone anyways.
No, stare with them, she thought. At least she would be alone with them. Life is short.
They were each already alone anyways.
How long can they sit like that just staring, doing nothing?
This isn't natural. Are they alive? Is something wrong?
What if we shook their house up a bit. Would they move then?
29.12.07
Hazel
The sun was just yellow enough to make me cry.
The flowers were just red enough that I lost my breath.
How do they get so red?
The sky was the definition of the color blue.
She knew exactly what to do to seduce me, she always does,
to call me in to her arms to join in a humble moment for Surya.
Moments pass. Thank god. Moments pass!
And the hazel honesty will remain. Loyal to its self.
The setting sun kiss felt just brown enough to make me cry.
The warmth was brown on my cheek.
The earth smelled brown.
The soft, cold grass under my toes. Brown.
The warm blanket that feels like home,
that was waiting for me behind the glare of the small black window.
It hypnotized me.
It hypnotizes me.
I am in. Surround me. Keep me here.
That gaze that I live for finally claimed me,
caringly looked down at me, embraced me.
"I am proud of you. I love you.", vibrated the silence, the Namaste.
They were just brown enough to make me cry.
Long after they saw me, they were all I could see.
The couple stood alone in the black,
while the lights and sounds of the whole world swirled around and around them.
"I'll miss you", said the four in unison.
The flowers were just red enough that I lost my breath.
How do they get so red?
The sky was the definition of the color blue.
She knew exactly what to do to seduce me, she always does,
to call me in to her arms to join in a humble moment for Surya.
Moments pass. Thank god. Moments pass!
And the hazel honesty will remain. Loyal to its self.
The setting sun kiss felt just brown enough to make me cry.
The warmth was brown on my cheek.
The earth smelled brown.
The soft, cold grass under my toes. Brown.
The warm blanket that feels like home,
that was waiting for me behind the glare of the small black window.
It hypnotized me.
It hypnotizes me.
I am in. Surround me. Keep me here.
That gaze that I live for finally claimed me,
caringly looked down at me, embraced me.
"I am proud of you. I love you.", vibrated the silence, the Namaste.
They were just brown enough to make me cry.
Long after they saw me, they were all I could see.
The couple stood alone in the black,
while the lights and sounds of the whole world swirled around and around them.
"I'll miss you", said the four in unison.
7.8.07
breaking ground
"....Who? me? No.", she thought, in a shocked and slightly embarassed state of conviction. How did she let it get this far? Even a momentary entertainment of the thought had always made her shudder with a feeling not far from shame that she had ever considered the possibility.
She took a long, deep breath and let it out just as slowly. "Yea. I guess I did.", she stated, and, in doing so, somehow permanently abated the discomfort. Was the unease released from her Self along with the other wastes that the breath naturally takes away from body? Or was it the fact that she had finally made the blunt confession to herself, that caused the weight to lift off her shoulders?
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